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Death Sentence Would Be Kinder

Started by 1205957324@facebook on 05/04/2012 9:12pm

Since 2010, I have been in severe pain. It started one night just out of the blue and hasn't stopped since. I am diabetic and have neuropathy, but this isn't the usual restless leg pain anymore. I have found a regular doctor who is great. I am being treated for chronic pain, however thats not my end goal. I have a family history of renal failure and wish to avoid all unnecessary medications.
I have many back issues, wedged discs, narrowing of the main nerve canal (forgive me for not having the papers near by with all the medical terms). I have back pain with symptoms of pain, bee stings, electric shocks and just pain soreness. I get stinging or burning pains towards the inner buttock cheeks. My legs are the worst, the one thing I am having a hard time living with. They HURT all the time. As soon as the pain meds wear off, my veins from my toes up my leg get very large. The veins on my legs "rope". When the meds kick in, the veins go down and pain eases. I have phantom vibrations on my thighs, and sometimes my toes go in odd directions. I have to move them all the time just to stand them when I have break through pain. They hurt standing, sitting and sleeping....it never stops if its un medicated. I had what I call leg seizures once, woke up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable kicking, not just jerking, KICKING. From the waist down I had no control until it stopped. I regularly have leg spasms. There is a bit more but my symptoms are very weird.
I have had a MRI which showed many issues, but the doctor said there was no nerve entrapment. I then went to a neuro and orthopedic surgeon, who weren't really helpful. They said I had issues but w/o finding the pinched nerve on the MRI they couldn't explain my symptoms. I had no dye in the MRI, my doctor said it wouldn't make a difference, but I wonder. If someone could shed some light on that it would be great.
I'm not a "depressed" person, but I am frustrated. I have been in several car accidents when I was younger, fell off my horse a few times, rolled a 3 wheeler or two, fell flat out once and was hit on the head by a 4x6 from rafters once. I had a habit of playing super woman when moving furniture and other large loads in the past. Can someone give me an idea of what other tests I can badger him for. I don't go to the doctor when I am sick, I hadn't been in over 13 years until this started. Please help, I'm not much of a mom or wife right now. Its all I can do to sit long enough to type this, much less pull 12 hr shifts. I miss playing soccer with my kids, jumping on the trampoline, long walks with my dog, and pain free mornings.
I keep my meds by the bed. I roll over at 5 to take them so by 6 I can hopefully get up for work. I try not to have to use the bathroom at 5, once I stand up, its all she wrote....I am in so much pain. I sit in the living room and cry (yes its embarrassing to post) but I do until the meds kick in. Its not in my head, I wake up from the pain. I have had to get up in the middle of events and go take my meds. I have to take my meds before church or anything like a movie where I have to be still, or I'll go crazy. My biggest fear is being restrained where I can't move my legs and feet, and I'm in no way joking. I now know why an animal will chew its leg off to get out of a trap. I explain it this way, its like being on death row for a crime you didn't commit ( being tortured by the pain) and being put to death for it (not being able to prove what is wrong, or being able to express in words the pain level and have someone actually comprehend the pain level)
Please forgive any short comings in description or information. I have to cut this short for now. I will check back and see if I can answer your questions. Thanks

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27 Responses


Hi Pal, you are still here on earth and breathing!

Just feel blessed that you are still alive! and there/GOD must have a reason for it.
Everyone & beings that are born on earth are useful, regardless of how small and low they are !

Have just goggled and found this website that shows great care and concern being extended to all world citizens by grace and contributions from the medical field personal for the betterment of all spine problem patients!

So How can you think about Death !
Even if so, the only person who can and qualifies to sentence your death is only your parent !
( Not yourself) , and unless you have broken the law and was sentenced to death.

Personally have gone through 2 major accidents and was being sent to more than 3 storey height and fallen from there, secondly in a car that had crashed with 2/3 gone, and 1 minor one recently at the give way line on the road.

But every time I took it as a challenge to do better, as I know I am running out of time and my remaining life should be spent in a JOYFUL + MEANINGFUL manner
to do more for others around me without any expectation and return, while I can !

Cos I am blessed to be still around with at least a pain level reaching 7 to 8, and at times to hospital at level 10.

Forget about your pain is the easier way to go, be positive and maintain a serene look and left unnoticeable by others, may be a happier way to go….

‘am a Buddhist and found meditation with Deep Breathing in and out a good way to rest and calm your mind to see things as they truly are.

At times being too emotional about sickness, that is already a fact, may not bring you anywhere. Why not ACCEPT the obstacles happily and treat it as part and puzzle of growing up.
The choice is yours to be HAPPY : ) or sad ````.

It’s your precious life, hope you’ll treasure it ! ……..

Warmest Regards From SpringH2O on 9 May 2012 .


I'm living with pain too...Have several herniated discs and severe spinal stenosis among a bunch of other things,,,I work on restrictions and I have to stand to do my job...The pain in unbearable but I work through it until I can get home and get off my feet...The leg pain is the worst..,..The burning and numbness in the leg is so bad while I'm working....The numbness in my toes result jn
such pain..I have to take my shoe off and try to somehow stop the pain..I do what I can do and barely manage to walk to my car to go home...I am on all sorts of meds but i think it only takes the edge off...I'm probably getting surgery because i can't live like this and can't afford to go on disability...I.m only hoping the surgery helps some....I try and stay positive and i know its hard but that gets me through it..There are things I can't do anymore like Walking for a distance....and I do get depressed....But i do what i have to do...Hang in there..!


Tough deal. I can relate. There isn't any GOD that can help you, otherwise she would have already, rather than torture you. It's just a convenient way for people to encourage you to press-on.

On a scientific side, we all are fortunate that due to hard work and scientific discovery, and the great wealth created in our society (no thanks to GOD), we now have options that the billions of people before us did not have. Take all the options you can, use your health insurance (if you have it and the tright-wingers haven't taken it from you) and if all fails, Google the tallest bridges. I have.



hi elisbeth you need to find ortho surgeon that works with the spine from what you are saying you have had a rough life also do you have any back pain at all. i broke my back at 19 got it fixed at 60 why so long no insurance. anyway look the surgeons up they have patients write about the dr and how there doing everything good luck


ps I use to take vicodiens and after my surgery i did for a while but havnt had one in 5 months.


I can relate...in my darkest hours I can feel the same way. I have to agree with the last person's comments about using the system and the doctors to help you as much as you can. You don't mention what medications you are on, but they sound like they are not working. There is no point in going to a Neuro or Orthopedic doctor unless you are planning on having surgery. If you are at the point where you just want to manage your pain conservatively first, then you need to find a Pain Mgmt doctor. Hopefully, there is one in your area. When I started, I made an appt every month, for 6 months. This way, if a medication did not work, I was able to switch it the following month until I found something that did. The reality is that if you have nerve pain, you probably need Lyrica or Neurotin. If you have severe back pain, you probably need a narcotic (may I suggest the Butrans patch). I know that most of us don't want to be on medications but it is important to break that pain cycle before it becomes chronic. The brain has a way of remembering pain pathways even long after an injury has healed. Sort of like military people who lose a limb but still have what they call phanthom limb pain.

The pain clinic can also help you with injections or nerve ablations. Find one that does several different types of non-surgical treatments and tell them you want a treatment plan. The radiofrequency nerve ablations worked wonders for me but they only last 4 months at a time and I am not sure how many times my pain mgmt doctor is willing to do them.

You didn't mention if you have insurance or not. The new pcip plan insurance is available for people with pre-existing conditions under the new healthcare law so you can look into that if you need to.

One last suggestion is to read some books like John Sarno's 'Mind Body Prescription' or others that are more updated on Amazon. The principle is that the body can not resolve outward pain due to internal unresolved emotional issues. I am not sure I believe in the complete concept but I did learn so valuable tools and lessons. One being that you should 'free-form' write in a journal every night before going to be to release you of pent up frustration. I have family and kids that try to understand but no on can really understand what its like to live in long term chronic pain. It feels like a slow form or torture sometimes and I am sure most good people can't figure out why it is happening to them.

Take care.....


I truly do beg your pardon, but this isn't God's plan and to say such a thing as if one should just accept pain as a life sentence is just plain ignorant.

GOD didn't give me Lyme Disease just as he didn't cause Elizabeth's chronic pain.

Dear Elizabeth,
Honey, I feel so sorry for you. I know how you feel. And I can honestly say that because I feel the same way, day in and day out... day after day after day.
My quality of life is really sucking.
I am naturally a very fun, happy-go-lucky person, always ready with a quick smile to brighten someone else's day. But this constant pain and discomfort is dragging me down and I just don't see an end in sight. I am not myself and I do not like it one bit.

It is like being in prison for something you did not do, and no matter how much you protest, no one listens, no one hears.

I have been called a hypochondriac, a malingerer, told it's all in my head and sent to see psychiatrists. I have been humiliated and embarrassed by health care providers who knew nothing but thought they knew everything. I have left doctor's offices in tears out of frustration. I have been accused of being a drug addict 'shopping' for opiates. It is demeaning and a very sad commentary on our society.

I am a 53 year old Grandmother, certainly not a drug addict, and for anyone to suggest such a thing after speaking with me for 10 minutes is insulting and ignorant on their part.
I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I do not.
I see chronic use of pain medication to get through each day in my own future and I do not like what I see. I do not wish to become dependent or addicted to pain killers, OTC drugs do not even touch the pain I have as I am sure you well know.

I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry. I feel your pain for it is my pain as well. I am also a diabetic with severe neuropathy in my lower legs and feet [milder in my hands] I had both knees replaced in Jan 2010 and recently had my gallbladder removed,,, I want to be done with pain and suffering and just enjoy the rest of my life.

I don't want to hear about God's plan for me... how the heck would anyone know what that might possibly be and to poo-poo my pain away with some religious rhetoric is also very insulting. If it will make them feel better, they can go to church and pray for me....

If you need someone to talk to, complain to, cry to, yell at.... here I am.


Boy can I relate to how you feel. I've had 4 herniated discs in my neck that almost left me paralyzed from the neck down. I had a fusion from that and regained the ability of my hands and legs. After they found severe arthritis in my lower spine that keeps me from walking. Along with severe fibromyalgia. To put it mildly I wake upe fatigue every morning when I can get sleep. I only sleep 3 hours every 2-3 days. My hands go numb. I've had three surgeries in both my hands two this year in each hand. From dupytrens contracture. Its that or lose my fingers. I have constant pain everyday and the pain meds I'm on don't work. I'm on fentanyl,hydrocodone,lyrica,somas,numerous vitamins, I have five meds for my asthma and chronic rhinitis then of course two for cholesterol and one for hypothyroidism. Last but not least one for sleep that doesn't work at all. I'm so tired of the pain and try to tell myself God has givin me this pain so I can feel what he went through. Really! I'd trade the pain he went through as it was much shorter than this. Whipping and being nailed to a cross sounds pretty good to me right now.I've cried till I can't cry anymore. I cry over movies and shows when I see good things happen to people. I only wish that one day it would all go away but I've been given a life sentence of pain. If I make it till natural death no one could be stronger but I will not be noticed I will go out with a whimper as I'm bedridden in my home. So I wanted to say I know how you feel and would not wish this on my worst enemy. Although I'd like a few to enjoy this pain for a few months. My closest of family has abandon me when I need them the most. My own children never visit you'd think I was a lepro.


I'm a 51 yr old grown man. I have pulled my own molars with a pair of pliars, raced MX with blown out knees but 6 yrs of severe pain 2 fusions and 4 other surgeries............and I wake up and just sit and cry too some mornings, it's OK. You'll find a lot of support on here. Good luck


I began to experience serious back pain in 1991 - just weeks after iId fallen top-to-bottom of the staircase, suffering a broken rib and a cracked coccyx. The pain in my lower spine was ascribed to that injury.However, the pain continued, becoming more and more frequent in its invasion into my everyday life.
I had a history of arthritis and so, for five years, I was perscribed various anti-inflammatory drugs, until they had such a nasty effect on my stomach and digestive system that I had to stop taking them.
It was in 1997 that my GP decided to refer me for X-rays, thinkingn that arthritis may NOT be responsible for the increasing pain......
That was when spondylolisthesis was first diagnosed.
It was in 2008 that the pain bacame seriously disabling - and my GP refered me to a Consultant at the local hospital's Spinal Unit......There began my misery.
An MRI followed - and a painful experience THAT was! The results were conclusive n confirming the spondy. Not, you understand, that I've ever seen my images. It isn't protocol in the UK that we see such things......
The consultant told me that I, 'MUST,' have fusion surgery - but I wasn't so ignorant of the procedure that I'd agree without undertaking research. And what I learned convinced me that surgery is the very LAST resort!

So, here I am: I'm in pain ALL the time, I'm up to the limit of the prescribed drugs and dependant on both of them. My mobility is very limited and I sleep very little - because my left leg hurts so much in bed that I don't know what to do with it!

BUT - I will NOT undergo the surgery that in most instances leads to even FURTHER incapacity and pain.......


Dear Elizabeth - you are now a Charter Member of The Hunt Club. The everlasting search for something - anything - that will explain why this is constant and happening to you. There are some good ideas here and a lot of support. Pain is individually experienced - but the bottom line is IT HURTS! In terms of diagnostics - if you were to go to a pain office that uses flouroscopy - they use flouroscopy to guide injections and if using dye can see nerve junctures and joints in your pelvis. I have sharp pain also in my anus and scrotum/testicles (as though getting hit there with anything feels pleasant) then down mostly my left leg to my toes. It's like all of the sudden "OOO! OOO! OWW!" and people around you look upon you like you've been possessed! The narrowing of canals inner/outer spinal column can be seen (an MRI w/wo contrast) should actually show it. Or a cyst on a nerve trunk also. These can be imaged. I have a Sproul Cyst that presses - barely touches as the doctor says - a nerve trunk from my disc L4-L5, but says it shouldn't be a problem. (Yeah, wella, Doc? I'm here to tell ya - IT'S A FRICKEN PROBLEM!) I've got a facet joint that surrounds a nerve trunk lower. At first they thought I had Pyriformis Syndrom. That's when the Pyriformis muscle clenches or rubs on the Greater Sciatic nerve as it passed from the spine down into your leg. With the veinous swelling and bilateral pain and "seizures" this could be making you do the "Tap Dance Detroit Shuffle" in bed. Put on some tap shoes and take it on the road - pay for all your care!;) Alleviating the spasms can be like one gentleman offered as in Neurontin, Baclofen, (there's one other they tried - a Sz med but I forget the name or it) also Gabapentin - {it's a trial by patient scenario since what works for one may not work for another} - is one that's supposed to work well. I used to drink tonic water with quinine in it and it seemed to help a little for spasms - but got the trots from that when drinking too much. I think they have a supplement in the stores. They used it in hospitals a while ago for "restless leg syndrom". Could help some. Since your situation is bilateral I would think this has more to do with a pelvic injury (we have joints in our pelvis's) or lower narrowing and subsequent bulging of discs/cord itself on the low lumbar and sacral areas in your spinal canal. Might be getting "tight" lower down and not higher up yet. All our discs bulge as we age. Usually it's one side or the other if it's a nerve trunk issue. From all your tumbles you sound like a female Evil Keneval! If nothing else - since the pain and seizures are getting worse over time - comparative films are a must. They may not show a difference in 6 months - but you've had your back for a bit of time and any narrowing whether equal to prior films or not should be considered. Cysts or nerve trunk/disc bulging which may look "normal" to a doctor may have happened over a long period of time - so it shouldn't be taken for granted if ANY other issues are added. Remember flouroscopy and possible bilateral pelvic joint injections or if any muscles in common (some muscles go from up around your ribs down deep in the pelvis and attache there - so if one was injured it could "reattach" wrong and now rub on a nerve juncture going down both your legs. Meanwhile - stop flinging yourself out of cars and crashing into things! There's still plenty of road with which to find what in the heck is going on! ~~ Be Well and good luck. Hope you find a physician that's open to all manner of possibilities. (If not - tell them you're gonna come sleep over at there house and put on a dance show for 'em at 4AM! - Don't forget your tap shoes!;)


hey there! I really feel for you. I have a similar situation and even gave up my very stressfull teaching job to deal with the pain, depression and failure to find a "solution" to this condition. The sciatica is really annoying at night and upon waking. I am no longer the supermom i used to be and the neurologists and neurosurgeons also say since there is no nerve impingement there is no need for surgery. Sometimes I think it's karma getting back at us for the sins against ourselves as moms, wives and goo samaritans!! Will chat again, but we are not alone in this cursed situation! Surgery would "fix" the problem but no surgeon wants to cut before exploring all options...


Wow, Elizabeth, it sounds like you have really been going through a tough time. Believe me when I say that probably most of us on this board have considered "ending it" more than once.

I'm going to have to agree with "swaye": Get all the help you can, wherever you can find it. I am relatively young (45) with a 15 year old son and fought tooth-and-nail to stay off the dependent narcotics, but finally had to see reason. Being "dependent" on a medication is not the same as being a drug addict. I am dependent on Methadone and will be the rest of my life, but it controls my pain better than even Morphine did, and that's what counts.

My doctor told me that even with all of the knowledge docs have today, there are still many conditions that have yet to be diagnosed or, if they have, the docs haven't figured out what to do yet. Especially when dealing with such a complex system as the nervous system. Please hang in there a little bit longer... tomorrow may be the day they figure it out for you.

Please, get all the help you can. Go to every government site, look into drug trials, anything you can to try and have a semblance of a normal life. Even though chronic pain is debilitating, it cannot take away your spirit and what makes you, "you".

Try looking into books on meditation, etc. or possibly acupuncture or acupressure to try and find some mental relief. I know how it is, to feel like if you could even get a few minutes relief, the you could just get a mental handle on it, and I hope to all that is good that you will find it.

Please keep in touch with us here. Most of the people on here sincerely care about each other.

Love and light,



Some time ago, in this forum, I was told that I must be rather stupid in that I'd never demanded to see the pictures of my MRI......
Well, that isn't the way it works in the UK. One has one's MRI and then awaits the results sent to one's GP. And those results come in the form of a letter from the hospital consultant, to one's GP, outlining the results. The GP doesn't actualy recieve pictures.

But, having been so excoriated in this forum, I decided to enquire into actually viewing my medical records.

First of all, one has to submit a request in writing to the Practise Manager, explaning why one wants to access one's records. If she approves the request, one has to arrange an appointment to have a private room in company of the Manager.

And for this, there is a charge of £50!

So, there you have it. I'm NOT, 'stupid.'

I DO understand my condition, but I can't get to see my M|R$I films.

My spondylolisthesis is getting worse - month-by-month. And all I can do is to keep taking the Co-Codamol.

I will NOT have the fusion surgery. It has never, anecdotally, brought anyone any relief.

It's MY choice. Am I stupid for resolving NOT to undergo this long operation that promises nothing.....?

I don't think so.

I live with pain every single day. Sometimes, it's tolerable, while other times it all-but nails me to my bed!

I know where I'm headed: the wheelchair in my garden shed will one day be all that gives me mobility. And I DREAD that day!

I'm not giving in; I can't fight the pain any longer and I KNOW what the degenertaton means.


Dear Maggi...
I am sorry if anyone 'suggested' that you might be stupid. That was an uncalled for comment.
I sympathize with your situation and I do realize that health care is handled quite differently in the UK. We should consider ourselves lucky to live in the US where we have access to all our personal records in real time. And I have never been charged a fee, well, that's not true. I was once asked to pay for my child's immunization records, which I refused to do. I did get the records I requested at no cost.

I have a disc of my MRI in my purse right now that I will give to the neurosurgeon this afternoon when I see him.

I am sorry you are in such pain. I would like to be encouraging and tell you it will get better, but sadly, that isn't the truth.
I also agree with you on not wanting to have spinal surgery OF ANY KIND. I haven't heard of good results, or of anyone being 100% pain free after surgery. Personally, it scares the heck out of me and I am just as devoted as you are to NEVER having surgery on my neck.

[I have severe stenosis at C-2,3,4 and 5] Please continue to visit this forum and let us know how you are doing. If for no other reason than to make a few friends and have a comforting shoulder or an attentive ear when you need it.

~Sharon [Cape Cod, Massachusetts]


Thank you, Sharon, for your kind remarks.

I have always said that spondylolisthesis is a hidden disability: I walk with a stick mkist times, but there are times when the pain radiating down my left leg, is so great that I cannot leave my house.

I don't LOOK disabled, by most folks' definition. When hubby & I par kin the disabled spaces at the local supermarket and I emerge from the car, with only my stick, I've been sworn at, told I'm taking parking space I have no right to occupy ! It seems that because I have no obvious physical deformity, not am I in a wheelchair, the general popukace regardsa me as less than disabled. Yet, not one of them can know the pain involved in simply getting out of the car at times.

Nor can they know of the nights spent fighting horrendous cramping all down my left leg. Getting up before dawn, so tired, after a sleepless night ansd so stiff.

Someone has come back into my life recently; someone who was there when my spondy first manifested.
He didn't believe me then when I tried ti talk about the pain - and he now sneers at every mention of it.

Truth to tell; I'm in a seriously unhappy place.

My recent illness has left me weak - and I cant deal with this man's constant sniping. He's making me doubt everything I have ever been and my ability to cope.

Sorry to moan so much. I'm so tired......


Maggi! First, and most importantly, get rid of that guy. If he cannot be supportive and kind and caring and giving, tell him to get lost. You're better of being by yourself that having someone around who contributes to your pain.
I say this with great sincerity and a ton of personal experience. I stayed in a 22 year relationship with someone who was not supportive, didn't care, mocked me and abused me.
I finally left him. It was the smartest thing I have ever done.

I met a wonderful guy 2 years ago. We have been living together [in his house] for a year now. He is kind and caring, generous and would do anything for me. He says he isn't a very good 'care taker', but truly he is. He asks every day how am I feeling and he listens when I answer him. I try not to complain and try to stay happy and involved, some days are better than others. But I found love [later in life. I am 53, he is 58] and I am happy in my relationship.

Second... about pain management. I take Gabapentin [Neurotin] it is marketed in the US for the treatment of epilepsy [it's actually an anti-seizure medication] but it is widely prescribed for nerve pain by GP's and Neurologists.
My Doctor prescribed 600 mg tablets 4 times a day [2400 mg per day] I take 2, sometimes 3 because it suppresses my nervous system, makes me very tired and somewhat non-functioning.
HOWEVER, it works wonders for the nerve pain.
It is the ONLY medication I have found [in all these years] that helps me manage my pain.

I also use Arnica. It comes in a gel or spray. It is made from the arnica montana flower. It helps with deep pain, inflammation and helps with my nerve pain as well.
My Mom has a friend who makes holistic and homeopathic remedies in her home. She is a Godsend.

If I am going out I will slather or spray arnica where ever my pain is the worst and I can manage to go out for dinner, or to the market... whatever I have to do.
It isn't very expensive either. I just wish they sold it in 5 gallon tubs! LOL

I suffer from may things as well.
I have long term Lyme Disease that wreaked havoc on my nervous system and my skeletal system.
It caused severe osteoarthritis and I finally had to have both knees replaced in January 2010.
Now I have severe osteoarthritis in my left shoulder and will have to have rotator cuff surgery.
I have cervical stenosis and bulging discs in my cervical vertebrae.
And at the moment I am dealing with an inflamed thyroid [goiter] that is compressing my trachea and esophagus.
I also have two solid thyroid nodules that are being biopsied next Monday morning [7/2/12]
My memory sucks and I have blank areas that I just do not remember. [like all of my high school years]
I have neuropathy in my lower extremities and in both hands.
I am a diabetic and a cancer survivor.

Do you want to know the one thing that I tell myself that makes me push on?

There is always someone who is worse off than me.
There is always someone who's pain is greater.
Who's battle is tougher. And if they can carry on, so can I.

I hope you feel better today.


I must correct what seems to be a misunderstanding.

I've been married for severmteen years to a wonderfully undersdtanding man. He ISN'T the one who recently came back into my life.

That is my fiirst husband.

He ran away jn 1991, with the woman I'd believed to be my best friend. No warning - they just upped and went - leaving me with nought but unpaid bills......

It was toward the end of our marriage that I developed spondylolisthesis. The pain began - and he dismissed it. My attempt, he sneered, to get attention......

It's a very long story; suffice it to say that, before I finaly got my divorce, he & his mistress had dragged me throughh Hell and back......

He - my ex- came back into my life via Facebook. I made contact with an old friend and learned that my ex was also in touch with ths person. I thought it better to offer the hand of reconciliation to my ex, than put our mutual contact in a difficult situation.

Seemed that my ex had grown up somewhat. We had email exchanges that seemed good. .....Until I mentioned my spinal problem and how it's getting worse......Then he reverted to his old self; I was playing the old, 'sympathy card.' Well I'd NEVER done that!!

Now he tells me that my pain is imaginary; that all I need to do is to stop, 'feelinfg sorry,' for myself and get out into the world.....!

Would that it were so easy! Could I so easily get out of my house, I'd be off travelling!

I don't understand why he thought that I was putting on the pain - just to get out of going to work. - when it was MY job that stood between us and utter poverty.

And yet, the woman he ran of with was totally dependant on him; never lifted a finger in her life, when she could get someone else to do everything for her.

Now, my ex says that I ws always lazy; that I invented the pain of my spinal disorder just to gain sympathy......What an ignorant s**t!

But it still hurts......


Hi Maggi-
You don't need the EX in your life, and even tho you were the bigger person and offered the hand of reconciliation, he nearly bit it off. Sever your new connection, the aggravation isn't worth your time.

I am happy to hear you have been in a good marriage for such a long time. I hope your husband is wonderful to you and understands the pain you deal with on a continual basis.

Part of healing and maintaining our personal physical and mental health is surrounding ourselves with others who are suffering [as we are] and caregivers who are compassionate, loving and kind who understand our pain.

Disregard naysayers and those who would accuse us of lying, malingering, making things up or having a mental illness [that it's all in our heads] because they refuse to take the time to understand our illnesses and the pain they cause us.

They should all be thankful they have relatively good health, because if they had to suffer as we do for even one day, they would probably prefer a bullet.

I am so thankful that I have a loving family who support me and help me when I need help, without expecting anything in return except a 'thank you'. They have researched my illnesses and read online articles, visited websites, gone to medical appointments with me and even joined support groups for family members to understand what I have to deal with every day of my life.
I don't know what I would do without them... my Mom, 2 sisters, my brother, my children and the very very special human being I have in my life partner, John. He is my rock. I am thankful for all of them each and every day.

Love is a powerful weapon against disease.



I'm getting really CROSS with this site - because it keeps cutting me off in mid-message- redirecting me to some useless site of radio stations I might be interested in.....!

I only wanted to thank Sharon for her unconditional suppoort.

You're right, Sharon; I DON'T need my ex. But, he was so much a part of my llife for seven years. He helped shape me into the person I am.

In an odd way, it hurt so much more that the woman he ran off with betrayed me. I gave my ALL to her - risked my marriage to support her.

When she & my husband ran off together, they made my life a living HELL. For years.

Got to the point at which I was close to being eevicted from my home- at seven months pregnant - because I hadn't the money with which to pay just ONE WEEK'S rent!

Even after that, they wouldn't leave me alone......Constant anonymous phone calls - and much worse. The divorce was over, but they kept up the harrassmenet - for four years.

I'm having a REALLY bad pain day today. I honestly don't know whether I'm coming or going......


Hi Maggi-
I am sorry to hear you are having a bad day. Me too. I have terrible pain in my neck and everything is going numb on me. The meds I have aren't helping, but I bought a new ice pack that is like putting a blast freezer on my neck and it seems to help [until I have to throw it in the freezer again]
I should go back to the store and buy 2 or 3 more of them.

On a not-spine-related note, I saw the Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist today and I have a biopsy scheduled for next Monday on my thyroid. They were supposed to do it today but the man who does the ultrasound had an emergency elsewhere. I guess I can wait another week [reluctantly].

This heatwave we are having isn't helping my pain levels at all. The humidity is what really bothers me. It affects all the inflammation that I have internally and throws everything into a tailspin. It's supposed to be in the high 90's for the next 3 days here. I am very thankful that we have air conditioning. I will just stay inside and not go out if I don't have to.

I hope you feel better Maggi.


I really m sorry to read of your recent difficulties, Sharon.

What you say about my ex is right. I know it is. Bit, you see, he was SO much a part of my life, so much a part of what made me into the person I am today, that I can't just let go of the emails.......I know this makes no sense, but I'm in crisis at the moment. I have an appointment with my GP next week - to ask for a referral to a psychiatrist.

I know that I have to confront the issues that have been buried for so many years - what my ex preys on to validate his leaving - if I'm not to slide into a bitter old age......


@Maggie - Sharon is correct I believe that even if you feel as though you are in some way compelled to communicate with your ex -who ran off with your slutty BBF - it's time for them to continue with their lives and you with yours. If they were in fact the ones contacting you after leaving, you don't need the "psychosis" he's offering back to you. He served his purpose in your life - it's wonderful that he helped you become the person you are today - however, this doesn't mean you need open yourself up to degradation in the sphere of your chronic pain. If you're now seeking a psychiatrist it could be that his re-appearance in your life is not healthy. If it's been - what? 4 years? You have to absorb the knowledge that you've come far enough to handle your pain on your own and anything he desires from you at this point cannot be helpful for you on a level you might NEED presently. Indeed, walk before you run: Speak no more of your pain to him. If he asks - merely respond - "fine". You're strong enough to handle it - as you've already proved to yourself. He's not coming back - and even should he offer - would you want him back? Yes, pain can weaken the resolve of anyone in enough time. However, if he would play "see-saw" with you and your friend, then he's not only undependable - but a first class letch. Emotionally you're tender right now - and you need no more of it. He's "weedled" back into your life and is non-supportive of your afflictions. Keep any communication on a level YOU are comfortable with - do NOT feel obligated to open yourself ANY further. He's got one helluva lotta nerve "appearing" in your life again - and no, you should not have contacted him whether you found someone who knew him or not. I would've held back and watched a little longer. From what you've mentioned it sounds more like he's the one "stuck" on your infirmities and if he can't bring himself to be supportive - let HIM BELIEVE what he desires. You have things to take care of and if you've any intention of depending on him then you're getting hurt again. He's a child and he's sleeping with a person you've no need of concerning yourself with again. You got hurt by both - he left you and went with her. I don't understand your passive-aggressive need, want, desire for this gentleman - but your pain is not all of you. You have other facets to take care of and you must make YOU you're first priority. The path you've chosen thus far shows little prospect of helping you in the main. Good-luck - but watch your back - what does he want with you? That's what I'd be asking now. He seems to feel you're a "soft-touch" - be aware and keep attentive.


Maggi- Please try to absorb what John Gregory said. He speaks the absolute truth. You have no further need for this man to be a part of your life. He gave up that right when he chose another over you. YOU are better than this. And you CAN be stronger than this. If you feel you need a professional to talk to, go for it. There is no shame in asking for help when we need it. Good luck. And a big hug! : )


hi everyone I just want to say they dont give you much of a percentage but if you have a good surgeon chances are you may come out alot betr then you thought. after my surgery i was in bad pain but every day it got betr i was taking pain pills but dont take them now if i get out and walk my minor muscle pain goes away before i couldnt walk now i can walk about any where. guess i was hopeing for the best. i would do it again if i had to living with severe pain is not a way of life for me. they fused my lumbar area and metal


To John Gregory.

Maybe I didn't express myself properly.

My ex left me in 1991. I went through hell, trying to pay off the huge debts he left me with. Then began a protracted campaign of harassment, as he realised that taking on ihs mistress & her three children was costing him dear!

All I wanted at the time, was to get the divorce over and done with - but he wouldn't sign the necdessary papers for a long time.

It was complicated, but, in a nutshell; he & his trollop found themselves homeless - and because he & I had had a joint tenancy of our local authority rented home, they began a campaign of harrasssment that was suposed to frighten me out of that house.

But I refiused to BE frighgtened......

What they did makes me shudder after all these years.

I married my second husband seventeen years ago.

When my ex & I made contact via the Internet, four years ago, I really believed that he'd changed; I thought he'd matured. We had email conversationms that semed to show this......Burt as soon as I mentioned his leaving he began telling me that he had no conscience about it. After all, he had a family to provide for and so had no money to cater to the needs of the family he'd left behind! We simply didn''t figure!

I've NEVER wanted him back! My current crisis has nought to DO with him, really.

What it is, is that he strirred memories of long ago events- from my childhood and adolescence. Things I'd hoped were behind me. Things I told him about trusting - as one does with one's spouse......But, toward the end of our mariage, he used those things to blackmail me. He wanted sex whenever - and threatened to reveal my secret if I didn''t want sex......

He came back into my life four years ago - and I gave him the benefit lof the dloubt. But he's consistentyu shown that he doesn't believe that he did anything wrong when he ran off with my (so-called) best friend.

I'm seeking psychiatric help now because my awful secret has comne back to haunt me. And it's more than I can deal with, giveb that I have so much physical pain with wich to cope.

See, I was sexually abused for years. It made me into a self-harmer. I have scars all over my arms.

When I told my ex about it, he just shrugged and said that, 'it happens, get over it.' And then that awful night, he raped me; forced me to have sex - threatening to tell everyone my, 'Dirty Little Secret,'

The horrible memories of all those years of abuse have returened recently - and I just can't deal with them.

THAT'S why I'm seeking psychiatric help......

Coupled with the ongoing pain from my spine, it's too much to bear.